good~bye house/gavin

Gavin saying goodbye to our house in Frisco.

May 31st in his/Shelby's bedroom.

june, june..june bugs

June.
Shelby's Tea Party is only days away. I thought of this event standing in the shower months and months ago. It came to me as I stood there letting the water fall on me, bathing me with warmth..comfort. Quiet time.
Tea time, tea party. Shelby and I played it almost every day. She would gather her babies around us, sometimes dollies, other times beanies or bears, we would have the little tea set out, sugar cubes..
"Cheers! Salud!" we would say clinking our cups together.
Of all the pictures I do have of Shelby, I have none playing tea party. How strange. I cried when I first realized this, cried and cried.
My love for Shelby is unchanged, unwavering..constant and steady.
My missing her is also.
There are moments still that I think, "This isn't real..didn't happen." I feel suddenly struck with grief in the realization that it is and it did.
Shelby's Tea Party is June 11th-14th. We are having ours June 11th,
the day she was diagnosed.
..bringing joy to such a sorrowful day. A day that changed the world as I know it. The day that changed my perspective about life and living, about death on earth and living on the other side.

Shelby meet's baby gavin

missing my TSRF blog

I have been unable to use my blog, but happily I have figured out the problem. I'm back!
This year has been really weird having passed the one year mark (December 18th) of Shelby's death on earth and passage to her new life as an angel. It was another complete adjustment and a reality check that life does keep going even when I just want it to stop and standstill, or to move backwards. The "missing" is the one constant now in my life.
Shelby's friend Jayla Cooper relapsed and is on hospice and I have been so sad. I know many of you know about her now too from her "wedding/party" that was picked up by CNN, CBS, etc.. Skyler, my 15 year old daughter and I were there celebrating her life now, her time here and her beautiful and infectious smile.Lisa her mom told me the other day how important it is for the news to get out, to educate.
I want to shout it out "Our children are suffering, our baby girl's and boy's are leaving our aching arms and our kisses- Leukemia. Leukemia" It is a long journey now from here to God, to Shelby's outstretched arms. Day to day I must try and make something of this time, missing her with every thought and every step.
Gavin had his 2ND birthday on March 1st. Just look in awe at the photo's, the spirit- angel-orbs that came to play with him. Shelby is a gift beyond things imagined and understood.
Shelby's birthday is April 14Th, her 4th. I helped her blow her candles on her 2nd birthday and then she was gone 9 months later. I am seeking all that is behind the scenes since then, the mystery in the next life..
and she lets me peek in. Lisa is seeking too, with Jayla beginning to "see" angels and "golden butterflies" she is lifting the veil..slowly too.

"fly butterfly"

Looking forward if possible

Looking forward, that is difficult since Shelby's diagnosis of Leukemia and even more so after her earth~death and flight to become a glorious angel of God. I only take baby steps now, think about this moment I am in or the past. But the future..that's a hard one.
I am contemplating this next year only in terms of Shelby's foundation, where I want it to go and what our focus must be about. There are so many new children diagnosed, families struggling and children who are actively about to leave this world for the next.
I will be thinking and praying..asking for guidance.
thank you for your love and support.
-kim/shelbys mom

Surrounded by Angels

Shelby's song

For eleven months I have held onto this clip. I watch it when I am at my saddest, during most crippling of moments. I watch and I cry and sing with my little girl. I watch Shelby singing last December 2ND in her hospital bed, holding herself upright, swaying and without sight..she sings with all of her might. She takes time to catch her breath..and sings with her heart. Only 16 days later she would be gone from us.

Aimee (sister) and Keaton (brother) recorded the CD she is singing to in the early cold morning the day after Thanksgiving last year. Children's Hospital Music Therapy Dept. recorded it. Keaton played the guitar and they sang this beautiful song for Shelby. It is Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World.

Shelby had heard it only once when she began singing. I had my camera near and captured her "feeling" her way through this song. Tears streamed down my face and the face of the nurse who was in the room. We quietly witnessed Shelby, in all of her pain finding a beautiful moment.

This is my most precious possession. It is my heart here I am sharing..
because it is so raw, so personal and so brave this clip. An angel to be in motion.

I am sorry it is sideways but that is how I held my camera and cannot turn it on this blog.

Shelby's song

giving and receiving..

I am so tired.
I am so filled with the giving (Shelby's story) and receiving (donations).
Generosity from~
MoonBeans Coffee
Best Buy
HEB
Harley Davidson
Chili's
Peppers Uptown
Burger King
..all to help with our fundraiser on November 1st. ~ all of these special people/places have donated to our team, to Shelby, to fighting childhood cancer/Leukemia
they care. they are "doing"
getting involved, saying "yes" I will! I will give..
I will be a better person today on this earth, given this opportunity, a chance to say it.
"YES"

..if just today

I was praying to God right now saying "thank you God for today, for restoring my faith in humanity yet again."
Aimee and I were out the entire day asking for donations from local businesses for our fundraiser "Fun & Games." We had our event flier, our cover letter and the non-profit info neatly arranged for each stop..but more importantly we had our hearts and minds filled with Shelby's light. We were "introduced" to some incredible people today who gave to our event but who also gave with their hearts. A look at Shelby's beautiful face on the flier and we saw a change come over them, a look of compassion and understanding. Her life recognized, appreciated.
My heart is so full right now I could stop canvassing for anything more and feel forever satisfied. I believe we are kind and generous and with each of us there is a chance to be better, do more..

Shelby's light is radiant, bright and healing..our "team" is expanding and bursting forth.
thank you God and thank you angel Shelby

good week..more to follow

It is October. This time of year used to make my heart sway with anticipation for the coming months of fall/winter. I could feel it in the air. This is the month of Shelby's relapse last year and the month she began to see "fuzzy" and then not at all.
Now I find the month of October making my heart ache.

TSRF has been working and working. I am so proud to say we are "jammin`" along in the midst of our sorrow and in the "longing" we fell for Shelby's laughter.
I am finding solace in my new role as president of TSRF. WE get so excited with "ideas" and it feels good. You will LOVE our "Christmas Cricket"..too come soon.

be true in all you strive to do..and always know that Shelby will give you courage. love-kim

Shelby's Laughter

Filling in the gaps..

Hi. We are working really hard here in McAllen on the Light The Night Walk fundraising. Aimee & I spent the day designing the t-shirt for the walk and trying to find a local screen shop to print it..we are going to WIN the t-shirt contest with our beautiful Team Shelby t! You will be able buy one here on the web site and @ Caringbridge site. All proceeds will go to LLS to support research and help find a cure.
It is good to be busy working on Shelby's foundation. It is fulfilling in such a magical way. I have been missing Shelby, thinking about how things would be if she were here with us (physically). I dreamed last night that she came to see me in her green and blue striped dress and with her lovely soft hair falling about her face. I was so happy to see her..so happy to see her little face.
She has a tenderness about her, a softness..a way of being that is so beautiful.
I am trying to see life through her eyes now.
take care~love kim

hi to everyone!

So very cool! I now have a blog linked to Shelby's web site thanks to Chris the fabulous web designer. I hope to find readers/writers here much like I have on Caringbridge..just writing anything you feel like writing. I hope too that as you come here you will be stopping to look through Shelby's web site and getting involved in the fight for a cure and/or helping children who are receiving palliative (comfort) care.
I'd rather not be here period. Because that would mean that Shelby was here and we were playing..but that is not the reality in our life. The reality is Leukemia took her life..

We are planning "good" things in her honor. She is the reason for my new awareness..
my sideways view of the world.
JOIN ME here in tears, laughter and "whatever" thanks kim/shelbys mom